April 25, 2025

The past two weeks have been very stressful for me. My school and work responsibilities seem to have no end, and it has been at the expense of my wellbeing. I have neglected to take care of myself, forgone meals, skipped workouts, deprived myself of sleep, and isolated indoors all so I could slave away at my studies. What I am doing is not healthy; it is a problem. I am not a workaholic, but when I have a lot to do, I cannot help but be consumed by the work.

Last week I was working on a class project. I was trying to simulate the behavior of light shined on an integrated circuit. It was hard. I busted my ass trying to learn how to create a model of the integrated circuit and learning how to use the simulation software. I literally spent over 30 cummulative hours working on the project, and I barely had any results to show for it when I presented on it yesterday. I feel like such a fuck-up. I feel like a fuck-up who is trying to do things that require a level of intelligence beyond what he has. I don't know how I can continue like this.

I did not sleep last night. I was struggling with an assignment that I needed to complete, so I spent the night working on it. I was glued to my computer screen for hours on end. I fell asleep at 9:30 in the morning and woke up at noon. I banged my head against the assignment for a few more hours, but I just couldn't get the results I needed to complete it. Just a few minutes ago I turned in my report for the assigment. Despite spending over 10 hours on it, I was only able to successfully complete a portion of it.

I am full of stories of working my ass off, sometimes at the expense of my health, and ultimately falling right on my face with no results to show for my effort. I'm truly sick of it. I can't keep going like this. I think there is a point in school where no matter how hard you work you will not be able to succeed unless you've got the brain for it. In high school I got good grades. People thought I was smart for getting good grades. But the truth is that I only got them because I worked hard for them. It seems like I am quickly reaching that point where hard work can't save me. I just don't have the brain for the kind of stuff I want to do. I really really wish I did.