March 04, 2025

I want to talk about my past a little bit. Sometimes I feel like I wasted my college years by being so reclusive. Sometimes I think that if I had put myself out there more, I would feel as though I made the most of my time. But, part of why I didn't is because I never really fit in anytime I tried to be more social. And you can only take so much apathy and disinterest from others before you start to feel like trying to make friends isn't worth it. In hindsight, I think I had a lot of problems that made it hard to be my friend. A major problem was that I didn't know how to socialize. I didn't know how to have a conversation with people. Even to this day I struggle to socialize. In elementary, middle, and high school, I had trouble making friends. I was always last picked, and I hated when the teacher let us pick groups because people rarely wanted to be my partner. All of my relationships with other people were in the context of school. When school ended, my interaction with those people ended. From an outsider's perspective it may have looked like I had some friends, but in reality I didn't.

I don't know why I struggle to socialize. When I am with other people, I just don't know what to say or what to talk about. Finding something to talk about has become easier nowadays because the people I engage with are in the same field as me, but if I was forced not to talk shop, I would have nothing to say. I have a stutter that I feel self-conscious about. Talking fast when I'm with groups is out of the picture for me because my brain and mouth just can't seem to synchronize. It takes me longer than most to verbalize my ideas, so in group conversations I hardly can come up with something to say fast enough.

I think there is a state one has to be in to be more readily accepted by others. What you say to others, the way you talk, and the way you dress and look factor into whether people will want to interact with you. As I look back at pictures of myself in highschool and think back to how I interacted with others, it really doesn't surprise me that I didn't have many friends. I wasn't always easy to be around. I feel like I lacked a lot of self-awareness and maturity. In the rare occassion I opened my mouth, it was usually to gripe or say something caustic. I had self-esteem and body issues. I felt like I was too skinny and I wore loose fitted clothing to hide it. I wore the same thing almost everyday: a frayed pullover and jeans. It didn't fit me because I was so thin. I had thin, flat hair that grew long and disheveled. I had cystic acne and white heads all over my face. I had thick facial hair that looked revolting on me because of how short and thin I was. I think these things caused people feel uncomfortable to be around me. They also played into my negative attitude. I felt like a loser. I wished I looked normal, and I still do. I wished I wasn't short and skinny, and I still do. I wished my skin wasn't so bad, and I still do (acne scars are a bitch). I wished my hair wasn't so flat and thin, and I still do.

In college I didn't change much until my senior year. By then it was too late. And even then I remained solitary because I felt like I was too thin to be accepted or liked by others. To be completely honest, I see myself as a genetic fuckup with social, physical, and psyschological problems.