February 25, 2025

I got back from the gym an hour back. I enjoy working out at night. There is something about walking outside into the quiet, pitch black after a workout that feels so relaxing. And the gym is usually less busy at night. My goal is to work out everyday. Right now I work out 3 to 4 days a week. I mainly do strength training, with a little bit of cardio to help warm up. I go to the gym because I am abnormally skinny. I have an unusually thin skeleton. My bone structure is probably my biggest, or one of my biggest, insecurities. I weigh around 130 lbs, which is borderline underweight. My waist is 29 inches in circumference. My wrists are 6 inches in circumference. Everything about me is thin, from my hands and arms to my legs, knees, and ribcage. I am a biological male with the bone structure of a girl. I notice people staring at me when I wear short sleeved shirts in public because of how thin my arms are. I fucking hate being so thin. Resistance training and a high-protein diet are my only hope. I find it funny that people envy those who are skinny, but no one would envy being as skinny as me.

I really hope my bone structure will grow as I continue working out. If it doesn't, I am fucking screwed. When I was younger, I used to wear long, baggy clothes to hide how thin I was. I thought that by wearing baggy clothing, it would somehow make my thin arms and legs less noticeable. As I look back on it now, it really didn't. I wish I could go back in time and shake my younger self and tell him that. I wish I could tell him to pick up some weights and eat more. Maybe no matter how much time I put into the gym and how much I eat, I'll never achieve the bone structure I want. Maybe it'll never be enough. In this moment, I don't care. I don't care if everything fucks up. I don't care if I spend the next fucking 50 years trying just to end up having the same bone structure as what I have now. I'll keep trying, even if it means learning that it was never possible, because the act of gaining that knowledge is infinitely better than being the skinny piece of shit that I am right now.

My life is a clusterfuck that isn't worth living. I don't understand how its possible for me to be so skinny, especially when my parents are both of average height and weight, and have normal bone structures. I guess I just have to fucking suck it up.